Hardest Day of My Life

4th of November, 2006, was by far the hardest day of my life. It was the day I left the place, and more importantly, the people whom I grew into a young adult with. I have never cried so much since I was five, or maybe not even when I was one. The sobbing started the day before at about 3 a.m., while I was hand-writing my testimonials to all those people whom I love so much. I broke when I got to Shar’s. As I recollected each of our many magical moments that were accompanied with a realization of the possibility that these moments might never happen again, I felt little parts of my heart and soul just disintegrating into the air. At that moment, death seemed to have a better prospect.

I felt like I had to drag my heart wherever I went the next day. Each step I took was an emotional trudge. I tried hard to keep walking tall, keep my chest out and my head up. But the vacuum within my ribs was just sucking everything towards it, making me a perpetual hunchback. Damned… even that word brings memories. My dear friends planned a surprise farewell for me, and my decoy was dinner with Jel. But we never had dinner. We just had a tear-fest full of why-is-it-so-hards and you-can’t-leaves and looking at old tear jerking photos. When she brought me back to my place, Vinh kicked of the surprise by barging in the door too early with a measly “surprise…”. That was funny even for that moment. The rest popped out later which was really shocking! Thanks all of you… I truly almost thought that I was forgotten, and that you all managed to live on without me. How stupid can I get? And those videos, those bittersweet videos. Bitter because it reminded me of the people who I am gonna miss, sweet because I was reminded that I have been loved by many during my stay. Not many people can say that they have been loved this much when they were overseas. Then there was my surprise belated birthday cake. Thank you Gorgeous for bringing the balloons, stuffing the messages, baking my cake and being the best and prettiest decoy there is. I pray that my testimonials really meant something to each and every one person in that room.

Despite the merry send-off, I only slept for about 30 minutes that night. Somehow, an aching heart aches more when you lie down. So I got up, and started crying again. This time it was profuse, with an unrelenting stream of tears and sobs. Again, death seemed like a better prospect. I might have chosen to slit my wrists if Jel wasn’t there. Even she got a little worried about me. Thanks dear, for the much needed emotional support. Then the time came for the departure.

Shar was already crying in the car on the way to the airport. Crying is infectious upon the sight of a deeply loved friend in tears. Further proof of that was when we were at the departure gates, where we broke down one by one, except the almighty Kelvin who needed to be strong for the rest. I was thankful that he was there and that he held back, otherwise what a mess it would have been. Its ok Joon Win, you were pretty tough yourself. I waited every second before I had to go through those gates. Sucking it back in while doing so took an emotional Hoover dam. After filling my departure card, I took a peak outside. I saw you guys. I saw Joon Wins arms around Jel, Kels arms around the huddle of Am, Ness and Shar. That was the last sight of my dearest friends in Melbourne. If I ever went into acting and needed to cry on camera (not that I’ve never done it before), all I have to do is conjure that very last image.

I read their letters on the plane, except Jels for the fear of flooding the 747. Ness, I can hardly see myself in the picture because I am so well hidden behind Shar. Am, thanks for telling me everything, and I really wanna know what that moment was. Shar, I smiled on the plane knowing that Melbourne is now a brighter place for you to be in. The feeling of knowing that a loved one is happy is truly indescribable.

On the plane I couldn’t really sleep, couldn’t really watch anything because my mind kept floating back to where my heart is. When I looked down upon the wide agricultural landscape of Victoria, I tried to convince myself: “I am happy that I am leaving this farmland”. It worked for 5 seconds. Then at the end of the flight, I saw the bright lights of KL, the lights that did not reflect the dimness within me. What awaits me in this well-lit city that I can no longer see as my true home? What will not await me here that will await me back where I flew from? I was a walking void. A hollow carcass. A dancer without his flame.

I am having a solo dance competition soon. 10 000 ringgit first-prize. I was supposed to begin intensive practice the day after I arrived. But there was no flame. For one day, Derrick was not a dancer. And I even thought of never dancing again. I just wanted to look at my box of memorabilia. I just wanted to look at the production posters. I just wanted to slowly read the letters again. I just wanted to read Jels present. Yes, I also believe that it is better to have loved and lost and not loved at all…

…. But is it really all lost?

All these things had to go on my walls. So I began creating my museum of unforgettable experiences…







I looked up on the wall where all my Flare certs and posters are, I looked at the Crunk’D T-shirt, I looked at all the photographs of my dearest friends. Then a frail, female voice in my head went “Make sure you make this trip worthwhile, coz you are breaking everyone’s heart.” And another guy’s voice went “There is a time to be sad, and a time to move on.” Then I said “Derrick, you dumb fuck,” and Derrick became a dancer again.

This dance is to show what Flarians are made of. This dance is for all the hard rehearsal times that we went through as a team, and the fun performances that we’ve done as a family. This dance is for you guys.

K.L, you ain't seen nothing like this!